My Life…

My life used to feel simple and relaxed…

Even after becoming an adult…

But now it feels complicated…cluttered…

And a few weeks ago I became aware of…

An underlying tension…

A subtle tense-ness…

That I felt throughout my body…

That now seems to be always with me.

I don’t like it…

I want to get back to simple and relaxed…

No subtle tense-ness…

No underlying tension…

It should be possible…

To get back to simple and relaxed…

I just don’t know how to get back there yet…

But I know that one day…

I’ll get there.

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2 thoughts on “My Life…”

    1. As I’ve thought about this after posting the blog entry, I think a lot of the tension is the responsibility I feel for Mom… There is a certain “perverseness” to life when a parent loses a child to death… because that is just not the way things are supposed to happen… I wonder if there is also a “perverseness”, a very subtle one, that also exists when children have to care for their parents… as much as I love my mother and would do anything for her, I think there must be something inside that is saying that this is not the way it is supposed to be… children are not supposed to take care of parents… parents are supposed to take care of children… Sounds a bit crazy, I guess… maybe even a little selfish…

      Then there is the tension caused by my thinking that I’m not going to do things “right” or “good enough”… I did feel a sense of relief after Mom’s birthday celebration, as if before it, I had been worried that it wouldn’t have been a “good enough celebration”…and then when it was over, I knew that it had been a good way to celebrate her birthday…that it had, in fact, been perfect for her…

      It is crazy to think that the relief from tension will only come at her death… but I wonder if that is when it will come…

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